Saturday, June 28, 2014

Portable Standing Stones

Rituals, sacrifice, oak growing, so many different kinds of herbs, being a Druid means dozens of hours of preperation for even the simplest of spells.

Luckily, one enterprising young novice came up with the perfect solution for the busy Druid on the go... The Portable Standing Stone (c)!

Only 18" tall, the Portable Standing stone can be used in any ritual that normally requires monoliths, obelisk, stone tables, or astology-stones. Simply snap together and voila! Can go anywhere!

Order now and we'll throw in a free carrying carrier, comes in a variety of pleasing colours! Please specify prefered age (5-10), sex and ethnicity of prefered carrier.  
Two halflings demonstrate the use of the PSS.

Not really relevent, I just  think this is awesome.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Autospermxtracotron

In an ancient and lost facility, abandoned for a thousand years the party suddenly comes across this strange device.....
Link for Explanation
Would they dare? There is always that one in the group that would dare...
If they do, roll D12 for the Result
1     Nest - The machine is long dead and now a home to a nest of Carrion Spiders. Roll for damage!
2     Stuck! - the apparatus is long dead, dried out and is faulty. Character is now stuck until help arrives with lubricant. Roll for Random encounter.
3     Demonseed! After the character makes his 'deposit' the machine grows a half man, half machine doppelganger that will be birthed within 1d4 weeks.
4     Love - Over the millennium, the machine has gained a kind of sentience and is now hopelessly in love with the character. It will follow him doggedly until destroyed. 
5     Vengeance - Over the millennium, the machine has gained a kind of sentience and feels violated by the character's actions. It will have its vengeance, or be destroyed in the process. 
6     The deposit activates a portal to the Dimension of Lust. Players choice if character goes through, but if he does, the character is gone forever short of a Wish spell. 
7     The deposit sucks the character into the Plane of a Boarded Up Van Down By the River. Returns in 1d4 weeks with severe psychological damage. 
8     The machine is the beloved toy of a Rock Troll. The character's use has driven the monster to raging jealousy and it will track him down and try to kill the character. Also, character has 1 in 4 chance of contracting Troll Herpes.
9       Healing Touch. The character regains all lost hit points, is cured of all disease and/or curses.   
10     A way with the ladies! The character learns a thing or two from the experience. Added bonuses when dealing with gender of greatest attraction. 
11    Its full of jade! The machine is full of jade, worth d100gold pieces
12    The machine itself is fully operational and powered by eldrich energies. To the right buyer, it would be worth thousands. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Warhammer Fan Film

I've never followed Warhammer much, but even I can appreciate the hell out of this.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Ring of Transformer-ation

Dude, I want that!
This ring that bears tears the ancient sigil of the grand wizard known as Ottobhot. When activated, it can transform the wearer into a giant metal monster capable of great speed (on flat, open areas only). The ring can be activated once every twenty four hours.

In monster form, the beast can also comforably carry two people and their gear (three people uncomfortably with no gear provided one is willing to ride in the monster's "trunk") as they are only a two door. The transformation only lasts an hour and if any riders or equipment or trash remains inside the driver when the enchantment wears off, it can have fatal consequences to the wearer.

Those that have experienced it say that the transformation is very painful. An enchanted illustration of the process is below.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

The Elder Codex of Puffykin Fluffstockings

500 year old proof that cats hate reading
Illomyster of Parth was a minor mage who eeked out a living copying scrolls and tomes. One day, while working on an elder codex, Illomyster's cat familiar Puffykins knocked over an inkwell of enchanted ink and then walked across the original book. This created a magical feedback of such catastrophic proportions that the resulting sixth dimensional exposions took out half the city. 

In true cat fashion, the only survivor was Puffykins.  

Puffykins went on to become a noted mage in his own right, though he forever scorned the use of scrolls, books and other writings. Some of his spells still survive however, either in their original forms or modified by later mages:
-Instant Opposible Thumbs        -Centre of Attention
-Buttface Doom                         -Look of Distain
-Greater Nap                             -Even Greater Nap
-Box of Sand                             -6th Dimensional Travel
-Midnight Howl                         -Instant Yarn
-Dangle Foe                              -Allowed on Counter
-"Transmorgrify this into Something I will Eat"

Friday, June 20, 2014

Everything is Awesome!

I finally watched the LEGO Movie in its entirety and it is exactly everything I ever wanted in an adventure.

Not so much the standard "Special One Destined to Save the World with his merry band of companions" plotting, which is a plotline that I'd be fine with never ever seeing again thank you, and would have likely have caused me fits here had they not turned the trope nicely on its head. But what really caught my attention were the fluid world construction and its use of found objects.
The moves shifts settings from modern to western, to scif-fi, to flat-out-trippy, to superheros, to pirates and then plunges brick deep into cyberpunk, while making nods towards mecha-combat, fantasy (Middle Zealand may just be the #1 fantasy land name that I wish came up with, Kiwi outrage be damned) the supernatural, clowns, and even professional sports.

Along the way, in addition to all the things they build (which would be in line with the setting), but they also collect or encounter such items as the Kragle, the Sword of Exact Zero and the Cloak of Ban'Daeed (which I won't spoil if you haven't seen it). 
I'm not saying that I want all my games to genre-jump like a RIFTS campaign described by a six year old, but I would never want to discount the possibility that it could. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014


Next time the party is captured, have them wake up on something like this....

Sogib's Eternal Prison

There is an entire adventure idea captured in this diaorama. Every piece (including the cloth) is all original LEGO pieces. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

PAINTED BOOBIE WARNING: Painting of the Fallen Madonna

The painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies* was painted by the Gnomeish Painter Yiggy Van Klomp. It is thought to be a portrait of the Marrgrave Aspasia Fescennine, a twice widowed heiress who was married to two very rich, and very old, men. After the death of her second husband, she became a known patron of the arts (and it is rumoured, artists), who sponsored Van Klomp briefly before he died in a duel with another of the Margrave's suitors.

The painting was never displayed publically and was banned by the church. During the war it was siezed by resistence fighters who tried to sell it to raise funds for their cause. They clashed repeatedly with enemy soldiers and after the war, the painting again disappeared. Its whereabouts is now unknown, but with the passing of the years it has become something of a legend amoung delvers. It's rareity and the ledgends that have grown up around it make the painting very valuable to the right collector.

Rumoured Location Table (D10)
1) In the now abandoned Maldaria Lazarette, now over-run with zombies.

2) In the private collection of the Duke of Sade. It is said that he will part with it, if his conditions are met. The first condition involves two Halflings and a large tub of clotted cream...

3) Under the matress of young Finny down the mill. His hands are said to the strongest in all the land.

4) Stolen by the mad wizard Korbantic Nerrf who put it in the treasure vault of his Krazy Kastle.

5) Displayed in the secret club of young, noble twits known as the Order of Merry Rogerers.

6) In the posession of the High Prelate of the Church who hung it by the entrance to his special 'Children's Room'

7) Lost somewhere in the endless vaults of the Lyceum of Sourcery.

8) On the mystical island known as Sapphoria where it is thought to portray a particularly sexy goddess.

9) In the posession of Black Sade the piratess and captain of the dreaded ship known as Lilith's Kiss. .

10) Destroyed in the war, but another of VanKloomp's work, 'Fallen Madonna Reclining on a Bed of Sailors' is known to have been sold to the Caliph and is currently hung in his hareem's watercloset.

*I watched a lot of Allo Allo as a kid. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Inspirational Art: The Great Sandworm Race

See, now the way I see it, if this wouldn't fit in your game you're not doing it right.
Original Linkage and Artist homepage


Link Rampage!
This monster is one of the most feared in all of fairy lore. Once only a simple salamander, it was captured and subjected to terrible experinements on by the great magus, Pollen Buzzelbee. When the experiment failed, the the salamander escaped unnoticed by Buzzlebee who had already turned his warped and fertile mind to another shortlived project involving the domestication and breeding of owlbears. Tortured and lost, the salamander crawled into the great underground ocean known as the Forgotten Sea. There in the lightless depths, still drenched in strange energies, it grew. And it grew and it grew until one day it returned to wreck vengeance upon the race of those that had tortured and enslaved it.

Standing almost two feet tall, the Gnomezilla is completely impervious to fairy magic, has a near impenetrable hide, can shoot fire from its mouth hot enough to melt dragonscale.

However, there are those who claim that Gnomezilla is also a protector of sort, one that will destroy any threat that comes between it and its final goal to eliminate all of gnomekind. A cult of sorts has sprung up, a cult of clerics to claim to be able to call the monster whenever the realm of fairy is threatened in any way. Their claims, though extravagant, have yet to be tested.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Star Frontiers

I have just discovered that some very kind soul has loaded some Star Frontiers modules into the internet's tubes (that's how it works, right?).

Long Live the Inter-Tubes!

Terrible Cupcakes

Original Linkage
Another example of the psychic, shapechanging monsters known as morphids taking on forms that are sure to lure desperate and hungry delvers.

Terrible Cupcakes will lurk in forgotten rooms. When they sense that someone is near, they begin to emit the delicious scent of baked goods.

This unfortunate enough to follow the scent will discover a perfectly laid out tray of beautifully decorated cupcakes arrainged artfully on a sterling silver platter.

If somethin brushes up against the morphid, the entire platter errupts into a frenzy of acidic frosting, exploding sprinkles, delicious carnivourous cake and the terrible, terrible creamy filling.

If the delver is successful in destroying the cupcakes, the silver platter is worth 25gp.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Sacred Robes of the Clan McPoyle

The Clan McPoyle is an ancient and very close-knit clan known for its love of milk, family showers and very hot, humid conditions.

As a result, wearing a McPoyle Robe (and nothing else except for small-clothes) allows the wearer to withstand the most hot and humid conditions in relative comfort, making it ideal for swamp and jungle exploration.

The only known side effects are a greasy complexion and a pronounced unibrow.

Likely the first of a few It's Always Sunny in Philodelphia posts thanks to my wife getting me the first three seasons on DVD.

Truely Outrageous Tattoo

Classy Tattoo Company, Halifax
My wife got a new tattoo yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised at how it turned out.

The artist did a nice job at creating a unique design (he combined at least three existing pics and added some personal touches [*cough*

Friday, June 13, 2014

Armour of Speed

This magical armour allows the wearer to triple their current movement rate (and provides two bonus action in systems where this applies), while providing the equivalent protection as magical chain-mail.

However, drag is a factor and the wearer can only carry one weapon or have the speed bonus reduced to double normal movement rate (and only one bonus action).

If the wearer is carrying a weight equal to half his/her current encumberance, then the armour does not provide any bonuses at all.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Crystal Knuckles

Not sure if this is the original link, but it is the closest I could find.
"Hordan, what happened to your teeth?
"You know that sissy mage in the flowerly cloak and the beads?"
"Don't ever, ever piss him off."

Just because the mage can't carry a sword, doesn't mean that he is unarmed.

Perfect for the Talislanta race known as Gnomekin.Unfortunately, the only decent link I could find of one is NSFW. On the otherhand, she is riding a crystal.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Antler Dagger

Original Link
This particular piece of awesome would be perfect for any low-tech or forest based culture. I'm thinking Darksun, Wood Elves or Talislanta (Jaka). I'm sure your game of choice has an applicable species/culture.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

A Few Moments of Laughter to Remember Rik Mayall

Star of The Young Ones, Bottom, Blackadder, Drop Dead Fred (highly underrated!), Bad News and many others.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Zombie Killin' Hat

This prodigious piece of headwear bestows the wearer with a +1 to all dice rolls when dealing with the undead (damage, turning, to-hit etc).

However, it also bestows a -2 to all rolls related to Survival and Common Sense.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Dungeon Chicken

Dungeons are dangerous places for even the most fearsome of creatures. For a chicken to survive there, it must be a very powerful chicken indeed.

Delver's lore tells that if an adventurerer was ever lucky enough to find and kill such a chicken the rewards could be, invaluable.

What is inside the chicken? (D10)
1-3) Its just chicken.
4) Healing chicken (heal all lost health)
5) Illegal Drugs (worth 3,000gold or equivalent)
6) A gun (or small crossbow)
7) 1,000 gold coins or equivalent
8) a cell phone (some form of communication amulet)
9) Candy!
10) Absorb its power! 1D4 people eating the chicken gain +1 to the stat of their choice.

This is to celebrate the return of Orange is the New Black. 

Cup of the Bat​
This chalice is a relic of the Bat Cult that bestows echolocation bat-owers when used in the proper bat-manner.

The cup must be filled with bat blood at sundown then drunk while repeating the sacred bat-chant ("nana, nana, nana, nana") of the Bat Cult.

If successful, the person who drunk the blood now has the power of echolocation between the hours of sun-down and sun-up, which allows them to emit high piched bat-squeeks and 'see' the sound as it bounces back to their now bat-tuned ears. The potion must be drunk at preciesly sundown, or else the result it little more than nausea and a 30% chance of contracting rabies.

If the potion in inhumed properly, the person (ie, the player) must now speak in a low, hoarse whisper. Failing to do so will result in the person accidentally deafening/(and therefore blinding) themself for approximately 1d4 hours.  

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Barrel Nolt

Nolts are large goblin-folk known for their solitary nature and sour dispositions. They can be found living in enclosed, dark areas, such as shallow caves or abandoned structures. In civilized areas they are sometimes mistaken for homeless or drunken men. The main difference is that a Nolt will not abandon the derelict home or cave that it currently occupies because it will be guarding its precious barrel (or other container) of the powerful moonshine called ‘knip.’

Knip has been described as smelling like dead catoblepas doused in lamp-oil and then set on fire, and has been described as tasting like ‘troll’s toe sweat’. However, knip has picked up a number of fans who consider themselves connoisseur and judge the beverage based on its pungency, the consistency of its jammy chunks, and number of days lost after a typical ‘jigger’.

Scholars who study such things have noted that no one has ever seen a Nolt young, or even a female, which has lead some scholars to speculate that a certain percentage of these connoisseurs will one day have one jig too many and disappear from society. But then, somewhere close by, a newly formed Nolt will find a dark location to store its own barrel.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The Unwashed Mawashi

Tradition says that by donning the mawashi of a great sumo warrior, you will come into procession of the warrior’s strength and peace of mind. In truth, only the mawashi of the strongest warriors will bestow this kind of boon, and only when those mawashi still contains the still-living essence of the great warrior.

To bestow its true power, the wearer must embrace the true essence of the sumo, which means stripping down and wearing only the mawashi while fighting without weapons. In return, it will double the wearer’s strength and endow them an unstoppable appetite for rice, saki and pie.

Bard Spell: The Sax Solo

Once, in the not so distant past, saxophone solos were considered the most powerful of musical interludes, and were randomly inserted into almost every song. This lead to a saxaphone glut and the cataclysmic collapse now known as the Sax Sacking of ‘91.

However, every bard worth her strings knows that sax is still the king of cool and that a perfectly timed solo can calm even the most savage beast, allowing allies time to rest, ready spells and prepare before the final push. Any bard who knows this spell and is in possession of a killer sax, can play a solo for a number of rounds equal to their skill level (bonuses for being outlined against the sky, leather pants, alternatively shirtless/wet shirt, and/or at sunset), during which time allied players can perform any action except directly attack an opponent, and all opponents are stunned by the sheer quantity awesome sauce they are being forced to ingest. Attacking an opponent during the solo immediately breaks the spell.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Claw Shield of Ulitmate Awesome
This fearsome artifact is made out of one-hundred percent thunderonium, which is the most awesome metal ever created. It can deflect any weapon, is totally indestructible and can even stop magical shit.

It gives the wearer reflexes like a cat, makes their eyes cat-like so they can see in the dark, or have the strenght of a tigon (the strongest of all the cats, lookitup!) but not both at the same time. You have to say the right spell and it works for only an hour, but then you can say one of the other spells.

It also holds a magic sword, that fits when you put it in, but like, when you pull it out, grows to four feet long!

But it also has this curse. There is this Mummy guy named Rah, who lived like ten thousand years ago who first made the Claw Shield, and used it to conquer the world and get this like huge harem filled with every type of woman he wanted. But the queen was jealous of all those bitches and one night after she totally rocked his world with her and three other girls, just to make sure he was totally drained out. Then she stole the shield and gave it to her lover. The pharaoh dude then started a huge war to get the shield back, but he got captured.

They tied him up like a mummy and buried him alove in this giant underground pyramid guarded by cat-people mummies. The mummy-guy is still alive though, and he always tried to get the shield back, and will kill everyone the wearer loves to get it back. This makes the wearer all sad and broody and deep, even though he can totally kick eveyone’s ass.

Monday, June 2, 2014

House Rule: Duck Face

Any player making a charisma (or similar skill/attribute) roll while doing the 'duck face' gains an automatic +1 to the roll, unless the game-master laughs, at which time it becomes an automatic -1. If you can achive a full on 'Blue Steel' you get +5 points to the role!  

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Pizzavore - the Pizza Box Monster

It can be difficult to get good pizza in the dungeon. Poppa Lich's continually rates at the top of most best-of lists, but it is almost impossible to get outside the Unpassable Peaks. Kobold-X-Press is easier to get, but it always tastes like stale rat on cardboard and they won't deliver any deeper than fifth level because it puts them in violation of its thirty-minutes or free policy.

Like all morpids, the pizzavore, otherwise known as the Pizza Box Monster, uses its psycho-sensitive shapechanging abilities to exploit this weakness in the dungeon ecosystem. The monster emits a strong, delicious scent that can attract adventurers from across the level.

The monster appears to be a regular extra-large pizza box, but when opened by a hungry hero the monster strikes! The good news is that if the monster is defeated, there are reports are that if properly baked, it does actually taste like pizza.