Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To the Earth's Core!

This wild art from 1969 Japan is a trippy explorating to the centre of the earth.

Via. iO9

Lord of the Rings Lego


I have no money, but I may consider selling a few pints of blood for these. The trick will be finding them as I have no doubt they are going to sell like crazy.

Hogan's Edge Cave

Here is the very first Dungeon I created using the Playing Card Rules. Now to finish up the Traps and Treasure Tables to really fill things out.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Appendix O: My Favourite Fantasy Films

A total timewaster post, but I forgot to bring in my Playing Card Dungeon Map for scanning.
 
 
-A thief and a cursed knight set off to kill an evil Bishop. I think the next adventure just wrote itself
 
 
-My blueprint for the perfect quest.
 
 
-Pretty much sums up any serious campaign I ever tried to run.
 
 
-Remake? What remake?
 
 
-Re watched this recently. It's actually quite good.
 
 
-Been a long time since I've watched it, but I'll pretty much watch Michael Palin in anything.
 
 
-I blame this film for my predilection for playing Halfling Thieves.
 
Faintheart       
 
-This English film isn't fantasy, but it is a good film about fantasy fans.
 
Labyrinth    
 
-and so began my lifelong crush on Jennifer Connelly
 
Army of Darkness      
 
-Boom Stick!
 
 
-Not fantasy, but if you ever want to play woodelves right, watch this!
 
The Secret of the Kells          
 
-Simply breathtaking to watch.
 
 
-I honestly have no idea why this film doesn't get more love.
 
Outlander (2008)       
 
-Vikings vs aliens, what is not to like?
 
 
-The less said about the remake, the better. Actually, I do want to say something about the remake: IT SUCKED.
 
 
-I've pretty much resigned myself to this being the closest thing to a Vancian film I'll ever see. Not that this is a bad thing.
 
 
-If this film doesn't get quoted at least once in the campaign, you're not doing it right.
 
 
-I need a reason?
 
 
-I watched it a lot as a kid and it remains a sentimental favourite despite the problems
 
 
-The campaign's Big Bad gets a hold of Nazi propaganda and equipment … this could work!
 
 
-A genuine good time.
 
 
-Fantasy flicks were few and far between when I was a kid. This was a sleepover classic.
 
 
Another sleepover classic.
 
 
-Okay, it's actually awful. But it is does feel like you are watching the D&D campaign of a couple of delayed adolescents who think that stoner and penis jokes are the cornerstones of good comedy.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Hogan's Edge

The Hogan’s Edge
The village of Hogan’s Hill lies close to the cliffs known as The Edge. A few weeks ago, a landslide uncovered a cave, and the since then the surrounding area has been plagued by monsters. The local Lord has put out a call to any Hero brave enough to venture inside, seeks out the source of the monsters and puts an end to their predations.

Pulling random encounters, I figured that a Lich and a Vampire were battling it out inside the cave to see who would gain domination over the surrounding countryside.

Region 20 got two traps in a row, one on a door the other into a cramped area, so I imagined a locked door hiding a bottomless pit. Will have to make a Trap Table soon.

100 Wandering Monsters

My d100 Wandering Monster table prepped for a run through of my Playing Card Dungeon. Contains many classics (some with my own personal interpretation) a few homebrews and a couple that have been changed just enough so I can't get sued.

1 Jabberwock
This rare and luckily, solitary creature can only be harmed by magic weapons.

2 Giant Rat
Large scavenging rodents. Will attack if cornered or think they can overwhelm a weaker foe.

3 Bear
Has wandered into the dungeon and is now lost, hungry and extremely aggressive

4 Flying Monkey
Winged simians with a bad attitude.

5 Beastmen
Animal headed, humanoid hybrids.

6 Brigand
A group of outlaws is using this location as a hideout. Roll for alignment: 1-2) Neutral. 3-5) Evil 6) Good (rebels)

7 Boglins
Resembling goblins, but with red or orange hued skin. Much more intelligent and capable of magic. Often leaders of goblin tribes.

8 Troll
Large humanoids possessing a crafty intellect and the ability to regenerate

9 Cockatrice
Demonic roosters with the ability to breath fire.

10 Dire Moose
Fearsome herbivores of the deep.

11 Giant Spider
Because you gotta have giant spiders

12 Bore Boar
Porcine monsters with the ability to put people to sleep with their excruciatingly tedious stories about their vacation.

13 Orcs
Humanoids with grey-green skin, sharp teeth and reptilian eyes. Reasonably intelligent.

14 Kobolds
Small, dog-faced humanoids.

15 Mind Sucker
Squid-headed humanoids proficient in magic and feast upon the brainwaves of intelligent beings.

16 Goblins
Small, green skinned scavengers.

17 Flying Shark
A species of shark that can fly for periods of time. Always found near water

18 Golem, Flesh -Frankenstein monster like magical construct
19 Golem, Iron -Magical metal construct
20 Golem, Clay -Magical construct
21 Golem, Wood -Magical construct

22 Vorpal Bunny
Small, white rabbit with big, nasty teeth!

23 Bearowl
A sorcerous hybrid known for its fearsome reputation

24 Floating Ogler
A great floating eye with tentacles. An intelligent creature capable of powerful magic

25 Scavenger Ooze
A huge ooze with one huge, single eye that crawls through tunnels looking for any organic material to digest

26 Ooze, Black
Oozes are small creatures look like small blobs of slime, with one disturbingly human eye. Mindless scavengers, they indiscriminately feed on anything they come across. Black oozes secret a powerful necrotizing poison.
27 Ooze, Red -These oozes secret a powerful acid.
28 Ooze, Purple -These oozes attempt to burrow into the skin of their prey.
29 Ooze, Clear -These oozes can combine to form a larger creature.
30 Ooze, Green -These oozes secret a strange mould that gradually takes over the body.

31 Giant Centipede
Giant, acid spitting anthropoids.

32 Rust Eater
A lobster-like creature that can break down metals into rust.

33 Giant Crab
Another classic

34 Giant Crocodile
20+ feet of reptilian menace.

35 Ghost
Ethereal spirits of the dead. Usually cranky

36 Lich
A powerful wizard who has found a way to cheat death, though you’d never know it to look at one.

37 Vampire
Vicious, bloodsucking undead predators. Does in no way mope, moon, fall in love with their prey or sparkle.

38 Ghoul
Not undead, but a form of gangly, stick thin humanoid that feeds on carrion.

39 Basilisk
A six legged lizard with the ability to turn living creatures to stone with its gaze.

40 Kong
Giant, carnivorous apes.

41 Wraith
A form of ghost that preys on the lifeforce of living things

42 Cave Wolverine
A dangerous underground predator

43 Deep Wolf
Blind, hairless canines that hunt deep in the earth.

44 Dire Slug
Slow, but deadly.

45 Skeleton
Classic reanimated corpses

46 Multchthing
The merger between a humanoid lifeforce and decaying plant matter.

47 Giant Scorpion
The classic monster.

48 Giant Snake
Another classic. May be poisonous or a constrictor.

49 T Rex
Or other form of carnivorous dinosaur

50 Pterodactyl
A flying carnivorous dinosaur

51 Violet Worm
The bloated, purple eating machines tunnel through the earth with their rotating maws.

52 Ogre
A large, grey skinned humanoid that is generally dumber than soup.

53 Cave Creeper
This invertebrate resembles a large, octopus. Intelligent, and masters of camouflage.

54 Peryton
A hybrid beast with the body of a stag, and the legs, wings, tail of an eagle

55 Spectre
Powerful undead ghosts that can attain physical form for limit periods of time

56 Giant Bat
Always carnivorous.

57 Mummy
Undead. Always has a specific purpose for returning, even if it is only “guard this room”

58 Minotaur
Bull headed monsters often found in labyrinths

59 Chestomorph
These invertebrates often impersonate chests, trunks or barrels

60 Cave Elephant
Smaller versions of regular elephants who have adapted to underground life by becoming carnivorous

61 Giant Ant
Nomadic colonies inhabit many dungeons. Soldiers will always defend the colony.

62 Morlok
A species of cannibalistic humanoids adapted to living underground. Have claws, large fangs, eyes that glow in the dark and are covered in fine, light blue fur.

63 Giant Leech
Giant, squishy bloodsucking fiends that hide in stagnant water

64 Elemental, Air -Powerful being, usually resembles a small tornado
65 Elemental, Earth -Powerful being of pure earth and stone
66 Elemental, Fire -Powerful being of pure flame
67 Elemental, Water -Powerful being of pure water

68 Invisible Swordsman
Appears to be a floating blade, but is actually the spirit of a great duelist.

69 Coeurl Cat
Resembles a large black panther. Keen observers will notice that the beast has two tales, and even keener ones will realize that it is actually just off to their left and ready to pounce.

70 Griffon
Half lion, half eagle hybrid.

71 Harpy
Carrion eating creatures with the wings, tail and feet of a vulture and the torso and head of a woman. Beware their singing voice.

72 Gorgon
Hideous medusa whose gaze turns to stone.

73 Giant
Large, strong and generally about as smart as a shoe

74 Black Mushroom
These six-foot or greater mushrooms release a cloud of toxic spores when jostled. They are also often home to a race of vicious purple/black skinned tiny humanoids called Gnaps.

75 Minor Demon
Demons are extra-planar beings out of nightmares. Each one is unique and has an agenda of its own.

76 Minor Archon
Archons are extra-planar beings from more enlightened spheres. Each is unique and are often in the service of a god. Devils are rebel Archons

77 Lizardmen
A group of mid level baddies that the Hero won’t feel guilty about turning into stylish boots.

78 Dark Elf
Elves adapted to underground with snow white skin (that becomes more transparent with age) and a fondness for spiders, tribal tattoos, moody music and curved swords.

79 Screaming Fungus
While not dangerous on their own, these large red mushrooms will emit a piercing shriek if disturbed that draws nearby predators. They will then lay their spores in the rotting remains

80 Golem, Stone
Magical construct often made to resemble a statue or relief.

81 Vampire Vine
Black, thorny vines that reach out to ensnare warm-blooded prey. The berries of the vine are of rare alchemical value

82 Carrion Caterpillar
Large, carnivorous caterpillars with two long antenna with a powerful paralytic contact poison at the end.

83 Tentacle Thing
A mass of lashing green/black tentacles. No one who has ever seen what lies beyond and survived.

84 Chimera
A three headed hybrid on the body of a lion and a tail made up of nine poisonous serpents.

85 Anthromorph
A species of cannibalistic humanoids capable of changing their appearance. Often pose as lost delvers looking to join a party.

86 Heck Hound
Black dogs with steel fangs, burning eyes and the ability to belch fire.

87 Manticore
A hybrid with the body of a lion, the face of a man and great black, bat wings.

88 Shadow
Ethereal beings with a dark agenda of their own. Prey upon the warmth of warm blooded creatures

89 Dire Ficus
The most fearsome potted plant known to exist.

90 Gaping Maw
A bizarre sorcerous beast that appears to be a giant, fanged mouth. Can camouflage itself to appear as part of a floor. Thought to be the male of the same species as Dropping Maws

91 Dropping Maw
A bizarre sorcerous beast that appears to be a giant, fanged mouth. Can camouflage itself to appear as part of a ceiling and as the name suggests, will drop onto its prey. Thought to be the female of the same species as Dropping Maws

92 Hermit Maw
An immature stage of maw that hides in stalagmites or stalactites

93 Dead Ent
Undead tree-beings. Appear as dead trees until someone approaches too close.

94 Zombie
These slow moving undead are in a constant search for Braaaains!

95 Grimmus
Large, four armed, purple skinned, gumdrop shaped humanoids. Extremely aggressive.

96 Cave Wasps
These large, aggressive wasps collect blood to feed their larva, and will often make their nests in the bodies of dead beasts/delvers

97 Succubus
Sometimes known as nookie-vampires, these creatures feast of the sensations of pleasure and pain.

98 Xenomorph
These strange creatures have acidic blood, a hard chitinous exoskeleton and lay their eggs inside warm-blooded creatures

99 Sphinx
These extra-planar creatures can appear as almost anything (though their egos often make them take large forms, but often as disguised as doors or mirrors). They love nothing more than outsmarting intelligent beings and often pose difficult riddles. Can be distracted if made to laugh.

100 Dragon

Kids in the Hall Saturday

We interrupt our reguar KitH Saturday, to bring you John Pinette!
Because they are awesome, my wife and friends got me an early birthday present to see his show this week. I am very excited!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Shape of Things to Come

Was catching up on my DVR movies last night, and decided that if I were ever to run a Flash Gordon/Buck Rogers classic space opera, I would have to use H.G.Well's The Shape of Things to Come as historical background for the gameworld.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bodycount

Watched the truly awful film, ‘The Tournament’ last night. Not much to recommend about it (Robert Carlyle is utterly wasted and the parkour guy spends an amusing amount of time around on the rooftops), but it did give me an idea for a scenario.
Bodycount Fantasy Scenario
The city of High Redoubt was once the southern shield of a mighty kingdom. High, impregnable walls encircle the town and easily withstood sieges from rival kingdoms, rebellious Barons and Barbarian Hordes. Never once in its martial history had the town ever been taken.

But that was many years ago. The old kingdom fell and High Redoubt became an independent city-state of sorts, ruled by the relatively benevolent Blackard Barony. Supported by the surrounding valley full of prosperous farms and rich mines, but no longer strategically important and located just far away enough from the main roads, the city has been at peace for almost two hundred years.

Those qualities; peaceful, remote and encircled by heavy walls are what made it the perfect location for the Order of Chaos’ most nefarious entertainment.

At sundown of the day the party is spending a quite evening High Redoubt, the gates of the city are inexplicably and magically locked from the outside. Almost immediately fifty of the most infamous, insane and psychotic members of the Order reveal themselves and begin murdering each other, and the townsfolk. The last member of the Order standing at sunup is awarded the Mask of Yob-Slobbersloth and a seat on the Order’s ruling council.

There are no rules; thieves and assassins strike from the shadows. Warriors battle it out in the courtyards and taverns while sorcerers and wizards cast powerful spells, obliterating entire buildings and summoning horrors to hunt in the streets.

Can the party survive until morning?

Modern Scenario
I won’t ruin the film. If you're keen, watch the movie (available on Netflix)

Sci-Fi Scenario
Same as above, but easily set on a remote asteroid colony.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Kids in the Hall Saturday

This pretty much sums up my ability with cars.
Though I did manage to replace my own bumper last summer.

The Secret of Kells

The Secret of Kells is now on Netflix.
I cannot even begin to describe how incredible this film is. It is a pleasure just to look at.

Plus it has some great ideas for a cleric/monk themed adventure, and how many are there of those?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Wayne's Books!

Most excellent sites I stumbled across the morning.
Wayne's Books

OSR Conservation Project

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Thought

I was working on Limitless Fantasy today and I found myself writing this:

"No matter where they are in the world, everyone playing a videogame or MMO game is playing the exact same game in the exact same world.* Yet every single table where a group of friends gather around to roll dice is an utterly unique universe filled with stories that have never been told before. And that to [me], is a glorious thing."

This is certainly not an original thought, but it is still pretty mindblogging.

*Not to disparage the idea. Everyone reading the same book is also participating in a shared experience.

Jim Henson's Red Book


Did you know that Jim Henson had a Blog?!

Stationary Earth 1893


I love that the caption that calls a round earth, 'Globe Theory'.


via: Retronaut

Monday, January 16, 2012

Horrible Histories

Came across one of these books quite by accident. If you have a pre-teen kid who likes history, you could do a lot worse. It also had a few good ideas for RPG.

Whalebone Swords
Tournament swords designed to break. An awesome idea for an aquatic race.

Blunted Mace
Maces wrapped in cloth, again for tournaments. Sounds like a good idea for magic object.

Also, the book I read (Dark Knights and Dingy Castles) got into the old mace/cleric controversy. Apparently, priests who wanted to go on Crusade were not allowed to 'shed blood'. In typical Catholic fashion, some would use the loophole that maces didn't cut and therefore didn't 'shed blood' (brains and bone notwithstanding).

X-Men Community College

Love the cameo by my favorite character, Annie's Boobs

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Daydreamer

This movie has to be seen to be believed. While a nice example of Rankin-Bass animation, the plot is incredible. Apparently young Hans Christian Anderson was a lazy, selfish dick! He abandons the Little Mermaid after she gives up her immortality to save his life because she might cramp his style; he plays along with the con-artist tailors who give the Emperor his New Clothes; and then in his final act of dickery, he steals Thumbelina's boat and abandons her to the slaving Rat and the horny Mole!

Kids in the Hall Saturday

Thursday, January 12, 2012

"They Shot Fitz!" in High Def

Wizards is coming to Blu Ray.

D&D 5

Penny Arcade nicely sums up why D&D5 won't be the game saver that Hasbro wants it to be; Not enough players and too many expectations. I'm not sure why, but WotC seemed to have pissed away most, if not all the goodwill they generated with the release of D&D3 and the open source rules. It will be interesting to see if they can get it back (and if so, how). I think the worst case scenario right now be if D&D5 flops, Hasbro gives up on tabletop D&D entirely, but sits on the name for DDO, boardgames and figurines.

Nevertheless, D&D has certainly risen from the ashes before and the tabletop hobby will always have its players if only because, like me they have not been particularly thrilled with their MMO experiences.

My suggestion for WotC is online support; kind of a Google+ system specifically for running tabletop D&D. And if they are really smart, make it backwards compatable for all editions.

But if TWINKIES are having trouble making money, then who knows what the future brings?

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Revamped Rogues

I know I said I wasn't going to tinker with the rules, but I lied.

As written, Rogues in T&T5th are useless. They were aiming for the Grey Mouser and landed squarely on unplayable. Wizards have spells and staves, warriors have the doubling of shield and armour stats(!) and the Rogue has … nothing. Plus, there is already the Wizard-Warrior class that makes the Rogue’s ability to cast spells and fight look really weak. I’ve tried to make three Rogue Characters now and only Kheebler was worth rolling a dice for. Taking the system back to its Old Skool roots, I’m going to give them a Saving Throw bonus to fit Rogues into the classic Wizard/Warrior/Thief model.

Rogues can still cast magic (IF they can find a teacher) but are not allowed in the magic guild and learning spells is costly. They may not use staffs. They do not get the armour bonus of warriors, but they can use all weapons. Finally, to make them at least somewhat useful, Rogues’ fail Staving Throws if they roll 3 of below (as opposed to 5), plus they make all Saving Throws at -1 Level, (but still accumulate experience points as normal)! If a saving throw is Level 1, they must roll better than 15-Luck on 2d6.

Solo Tunnels and Trolls

Master Darkberry successfully made it into the Labyrinth, and was doing quite well, until an angered hydra knocked a wall down on his head.

Soon after, Grod Rusthelm of the Dwarves came to Midden. He easily made it through his first attempt at Buffalo Castle and returned in triumph, but with little reward. He girdled his loins to venture forth again, but was warned by the Wizard Zurn that Buffalo Castle has its secrets and is forever changing. More still, it may remember those who have walked its halls before and will be waiting.

[Solo Notes: Why the heck would anyone play a human in T&T? Demi humans are a great way to compensate for lousy stat rolls and very few of the demi-humans have significant penalties.

Because Grod had such an easy time of it the first time through, I'm doubling all the monster stats (within reason) even though he didn't bump up a level.]

Spending some of his coin, Grod refitted himself with stronger armour and a better axe and returned to Buffalo Castle. Remembering the wizard’s warning, he chose the left-hand door and ventured inside…

Alas, he never returned and no-one ever knew whatever became of poor Grod.

Munchkin and Talisman night!

Went over to a friend’s place last night and while the females went upstairs and drank copious amounts of wine, we took the boys downstairs for some beer-n-pretzel gaming. Okay, so it was actually coke-n-rigolos gaming.

We started with a prolonged game of Munchkin from a very poorly shuffled deck (it is really hard to end the game when you keep drawing only class/race cards!). I love Munchkin and it is one of my favourite ways to fill a geek-night when no one feels like roleplaying. I even have the Munchkin D&d 3.5 rule books and fully intent to convert the monsters into my Tunnels and Trolls Wandering Monster Mega Table.

Once Munchkin was done and the younger boy sent to bed, we all got in the wayback machine and cracked open my Second Edition Talisman game. I must have bought this game back in high school (early nineties) and it was a beer-n-pretzel’s geek-game night staple for a very long time. However, it has been at least five years since I’ve opened this thing, as evidenced by the dried out rubber bands that had been holding the card stacks in place (since replaced with plastic baggies). One of the guys used to play Third edition and bought Fifth edition for his kids, but this was his first experience with Second. He was surprised at how smoothly the game went despite its paper counters and retro-feel. One thing we both remembered was that being the Ninja sucks!

Quick Review of Super 8

An effort to mash together E.T., The Goonies, Cloverfield with a 70’s aesthetic that consistently fails to become more than the sum of its parts.

SPOILERS
I really wanted to like this movie but ideas are introduced then discarded until Abrams boils it down to remaking Cloverfield with an ET ending. No one cared enough about Cloverfield to see it again, JJ, let it go.

The kids are at best, utterly lacking in personality (except Firecracker kid, who gives more personality than the other five combined) and at worst, irritating as hell (Actor kid). When the film realizes this it starts dumping them out of the plot real fast (one goes and you won’t even notice until later) and concentrates on the puppy love between the girl and the main character; which any twelve year old boy will tell you, is BORING.

There is absolutely NO reason this movie could not have been set in modern day except that someone really liked the title Super 8. When it does try to press the 70s feel, the juxtaposition with the modern CG monster is jarring.

Who do you think would win in a contest between a pickup truck and a top-secret military train? The train crash is where the movie lost it for me; it goes on so long and goes so absurdly big that it begins to feel like a Monty Python sketch.

Final Queries:
This thing and presumably its species is capable of interseller travel, really? Is it smart to build your space ship out of lego(I know that once I break down a model it is almost impossible to find all the pieces later)? Was it smart of the military to keep the monster and the cubes on the same train? If the monster’s ship is made of the lego cubes, why was it stealing metal, and If it needed metal, why was it only stealing motors and electronics? And finally … the monster forms a magic daikaij┼ź psychic bond with the people it touches … then eats them?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Magic, Motherf*cker

Finally got around to watching ‘Your Highness’. Not terribly good, but it has its moments and fantasy reader/rpgers will probably find it funnier than most. It is actually a fairly amusing parody of any given overwrought fantasy novel and feels like you are watching a roleplaying session where the GM is trying to emulate one of those overwrought novels, but is constantly undermined by the players’ refusal to take it completely seriously.

It also has some nice visualizations of spells and monsters, but my personal favourite was the Barbarian Hireling ... that is exactly what hirelings are for!

Fairy Dust
This potent substance can be harvested from willing fairies, but the easiest way to obtain it is by capturing a fairy, pulling off its wings and head and then patting the neck, spilling the dust into an open palm. The dust can then be snorted like snuff, giving a moderate bonus to all actions for the next d10 rounds, followed by a corresponding penalty for an equal amount of time. It also has many alchemical uses and is valuable in large quantities.

The Weed WizardThis bizarre, caterpillar-like humanoid lives in a castle overgrown with plants, located at the centre of a mushroom forest. At the heart of the castle is a large green house and there the Wise Wizard grows many potent herbs that he uses in the hookah and derives his magical powers.

Through the herbs, the wizard has the gift of prophesy and foresight, warning travellers brave enough to seek him out what they require to complete their quests. He does not give his gifts freely however, and those that seek him must be prepared to pay his price, …whatever he may ask.

Gauntlets of GroundingThese large, iron gauntlets are covered with a fine mesh of mysterious metal that attacks and absorbs all electrical attracts, as well as having a 50% chance of catching bolts of magical energy.

The large and unwieldy nature of these gauntlets, and the long trailing wires that must be touching the ground in order for them to work, give the character wearing them a dexterity penalty for all rolls, including combat.

Booby Trap
This trap is commonly laid by nymphs and dryads, who will send out the comeliest one among them, clad only in the scantiest of scanties to entice eager travellers to follow them into the woods.

Once enticed, they will be lead to a quite clearing where they will be herded into a group by hundreds of other nymphs and rendered unconscious with drugged blowguns. Once asleep, the GM is free to do with them as they wish and the trap makes for a convenient way to drag wandering player-characters back on plot.

Amulet of the Minotaur
This trophy was taken from the mythical Minotaur of the Lost Labyrinth by a fabled warrior when its horn proved too difficult to remove. When worn by any male character, the amulet increases their virility and attractiveness to all members of the preferred sex.

The Chosen One
This individual is born once every hundred years with the destiny to complete the ritual of The F*ckening and bring forth the dragon that will rule the world. When the two moons align, the Chosen One must complete the ritual by entering a virgin.

The Chosen One is protected by the magic of legend and cannot be harmed, except by the Sword of Unicorn. However, he too must remain a virgin until the F*ckening and is easily misled by questions regarding his virility. it probably doesn't help that once begun, the magic of The F*ckening transforms the virgin into an unsatable, wanton sex machine.

The prophesy of the Dragon Moons has been mistranslated and it is generally assumed that the Chosen One impregnates the virgin with the dragon. What the Chosen one is not aware of is that if the ritual is completed, it is HE who will become a dragon.

The Sword of the UnicornWhile created by the body of a dying unicorn, this sword acts only as a moderate magical weapon. However, if used against the Chosen One (or chosen Big Bad), it will do double damage (magic damage included).

When first drawn from the body of a unicorn, the sword will test the welder to prove their worthiness. If the welder fails the test, they are killed (no save!) and the sword returns, waiting for the next person brave enough to draw the blade.

The Codpiece of Courtney
When worn on its own, this oversized, bulbous device gives the wearer magical protection equal to the equivalent of chainmail armour. The bonus does stack with gauntlets, greaves and helms, but not with vests or other chest pieces.

The Steel Hand of Boremont
This mechanical prosthetic can only be worn by individuals who have lost an arm and seeks out the dwarven craftsmen of the Deepshaft. For an exhorbanent fee, th dwarves will create a powerful metal hand that doubles unarmed damage and allows the wearer to use a sword without penalty. For an added price, it can include a retractable blade.

The Hand of the HydraThis fiendish monster is created when a magic user plunges his hand into a cauldron containing a specially prepared elixir (that looks suspiciously like mustard). The hand will summon a giant hydra-like creature with five snake heads. The mage then controls the hydra with his hand, each finger corresponding to one of the snake-heads.

The mage must see the hydra to control it, but may use magical means to cover great distances.

Each head can spit a potent stream of powerful acid ten feet once per half hour (five attacks). In addition, the bite of the hydra is poisonous and is deadly within five rounds if not sucked vigorously.

However, the hydra possesses relatively weak armour and any damage done to the heads is transferred to the mage’s hand, including lost fingers each time a head is cut off.
Let Us Quest!

Orgasmaster Spell and Cybergenies

Orgasamaster
This spell causes an intense, momentary physical reaction in the body of its target.
Males are rendered insensible (3 Tricky penalty for all actions) for 2d2 rounds with a one time, 50% chance of falling asleep. However, they are then immune to the spell for twenty minutes to an hour. Females are distracted for one round only, but can be hit repeatedly, with only a 10%chance (cumulative for each spell caste) of falling asleep.

This spell works on any corporeal being, but will not work on most undead; the exception being Zombies, who have a 1in6 chance of exploding (no other effects) and vampires, who will momentary sparkle and then suffer (2 Average) damage in embarrassment. If this spell is caste on a pudding, ooze, cube or other single-celled creature, it will cause the creature to split, creating a Level 1 version of itself that will fight along side its mother.

For any animal or non-magical monster, there is a 1in6 chance that the beast will now follow the caster and behave in an affectionate manner. This is the equivalent of automatic Charm spell provided the mage castes Orgasamaster on the beast once per day.

I haven’t seen Weird Science since I was about 11. Now, thanks to the magic of Netflix I have seen it again. All I can say is that Robert Downey Jr must have pickled himself.

Cybergenie
These benevolent, ethereal creatures come from the dimension called The Net of Internia where it is said that hamsters dance, the rain is chocolate, porn is plentiful and cats do the craziest things. Cybergenies can only be summoned at a time of great need, by the most desperate and lonely, in the most mad-cap and improvised of rituals, the only rule being that everyone present must wear a bra on their head.

A Cybergenie’s only goal is the betterment of those who summoned it. They will do whatever their summoner asks and their powers include, but are not limited too, transmogrification, summoning demons, create needed objects, mind control and showering on demand.

However, a cybergenie is a truly benevolent entity and will never cause permanent harm to another individual (embarrassment and transmogrification, yes) and its true goal will always be to better its summoner, even if that means creating tests and situations that will force the summoner to act in a kind, unselfish or thoughtful manner. Once summoned, the genie will never give up and will only depart once it has fully redeemed its master.